booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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