Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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