I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
