in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
