Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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