We named our party play list daddy issues
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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