i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
