i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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