he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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