So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
