I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
