You smell like stripper and shame
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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