Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
