The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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