my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
