he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
