this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
