I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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