You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
