she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
