I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
