i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
