If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
