i don't like sucking hair
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
