5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
