i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The uberlube is also flammable
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
