Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
