Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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