Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
