there's paper in my vomit.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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