I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
