I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My penis needs a shock collar
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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