yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
that may or may not have been my penis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
