Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
