I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
