There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
