He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
