I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
