It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
