she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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