A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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