She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
