I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
