Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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