Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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