my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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