My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
