Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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