he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
