I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
