well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
