ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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